


Chaining Silver

by pandorasv13



Series: Winning Hearts [1]
Category: Super Junior, ZE:A
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Bullying, Childhood Sweethearts, Insecurity, M/M, Prequel, Romance, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2017-12-22 20:59:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 19,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorasv13/pseuds/pandorasv13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sky was pale blue. The sun was rising over the short fence of their compound lot. Green grass and sweet summer scents drifted around the early morning. Gravel crunched under his sneakers, and warm winds raced over his thin cotton shirt. Just a few more feet and he would be where he wanted to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Year

 

The sky was pale blue. The sun was rising over the short fence of their compound lot. Green grass and sweet summer scents drifted around the early morning. Gravel crunched under his sneakers, and warm winds raced over his thin cotton shirt. Just a few more feet and he would be where he wanted to be.

It was a straight shot from his deck to his friend’s backyard. In the nearing distance, he could see a familiar, younger boy standing at a table where an array of colorful dishes was laid out. Ryeowook’s eyes lit up at the sight and he ran up to it, mouth parting in awe. Swallowing, he remembered his manners and greeted his friend’s aunt and mother. Once that was out of the way, Ryeowook grabbed the other boy’s hand, tugging on it, “Hyungsik-dongsaeng, can I play?”

“Yeah! That’s why they’re out here,” the five year old replied, squeezing the older one’s hand. With his free one, he picked up a large, round pink bubble blower. Hyungsik took a deep breath and then blew hard, managing to push the swirling rainbow liquid into an air filled ball. “Whoa…look at it, hyung!” He shook their held hands, grinning widely at Ryeowook.

The latter was bug-eyed. “What happens when it pops?”

Hyungsik’s face fell. “I’m not sure…”

Exchanging a look, they laughed and ran away to a safer distance, watching as the bubble popped when the air grew too thin. Ryeowook pointed at it, exclaiming gibberish. The younger boy just nodded along as if everything made sense.

It was so simple for them. Every day was just another day of fun. The hours were endless, the sun was everlasting, and the games never ceased. That’s what it was like to be a child. Things like friendship were nurtured through staying out all night and day without a care in the world. And for them, it was just like that fairytale childhood.

 

_Beginning of summer…_

 

Ryeowook climbed up the unfamiliar carpeted stairs, one hand in his father’s. They were getting higher and higher until they reached a modest sized hallway. There was a bedroom directly on the right, and then next to it was a bathroom. In front of them, at the end of the corridor, the master bedroom overlooked the backyard.

“Appa look!” Ryeowook exclaimed when the realtor had stopped talking for a second. Standing close to the window, he pointed out at a bright blue swing set just beyond the gravel driveway and parking. “Is that mine?” he asked, hoping that it was.

The realtor chuckled, silently sympathizing with the helpless father. “I’m sorry, but that’s the neighbor’s swing set. If you want to play on it, you can go talk to the—”

Before he could even finish the sentence, Ryeowook was darting away after giving his father a quick hug. “Bye-bye, appa!” he called, disappearing down the stairs. There was only one thing on his mind, and that was getting to play on that set.

Running outside, he saw a little boy sitting on one of the plastic swings. Ryeowook raced over to him and said, “Can I play with you?”

The kid blinked a few times and then smiled widely. “Yeah! I’m Hyungsik.”

“I’m Ryeowook,” he replied, taking the other swing and sighing in content. Grinning, he kicked off the ground, pumping his legs to make the swing go faster. “This is so cool!”

Hyungsik nodded, copying the other boy’s movements. “Are you new here?”

“Yeah, we just moved in. My appa is talking to some person giving us the house. Do you live right there?” Ryeowook pointed at the house next to theirs. When the boy nodded in response, he laughed and said, “That means we can play together every day!”

“Really?” Hyungsik asked eyes wide.

“Mmhmm, my appa won’t mind. My umma shouldn’t either,” he responded.

 

_July…_

“What’s that?” Hyungsik asked as they sat in the grass together. Up above, it was another bright blue day with wispy clouds floating around. The grass around them had been cut short and carried a clean but spicy scent.

Cool shadows kept their young heads from overheating, but more importantly, the shadows kept them hidden. In their minds, they were on a stranded island and this small patch of grass was their haven. A cotton blanket hung up to dry on a spinning rack was what truly caused the dancing cold patches, but in illusion, it was the big leafy palm trees of their beach getaway.

Ryeowook finished applying the Chap Stick, but just as he was pushing it back into his pocket, he heard the younger one’s question. “This?”

“Mm!”

“It keeps your lips from getting all dry and broken. My umma makes me take it around.” Ryeowook held the stick out to his friend. “Do you wanna try? It’s cherry flavored.”

“Is that okay?” he asked, brow furrowed.

“You’re not sick or icky,” the other boy giggled, “I don’t think it’ll be that bad.”

Shrugging, Hyungsik took it. Ryeowook looked up at the fluttering white blanket overhead, smiling at it. Closing his eyes, he hummed a little tune and let the light breeze rush around him.

 

_August…_

There was a slight dip in the ground. It was in Ryeowook’s family’s side yard and there were thin trees all around, protecting it. Long grass grew around there, but it was also the natural breeding place of lightning bugs.

Some kids from around the neighborhood had come out to play night games with them and as per usual, they were collecting lightning bugs.

Ryeowook was walking around the area, laughing whenever one of those bright lights got really close to his face. Cupping his hands together, he caught one after another, dropping them into the glass jar Hyungsik was holding. “Do you wanna switch places?” he asked the other boy.

“Okay!” Giving the jar to his hyung, he walked around for a few moments before catching one. A surprised yelp burst from his lips and then he released the bug. “…It got away, hyung-ah,” Hyungsik mumbled.

“Look there’s another one!” Ryeowook exclaimed pointing ahead.

The younger male nodded, lunging forward, rolling through the grass as he captured the tiny, glowing insect. “Got it!” he called, laughing and dropping it into the jar.

Behind them, they could hear the older kids cheering and laughing about something as well. Ryeowook closed the jar, twisting the cap into place. “Let’s go,” he waved at his friend.

Little did they know, poking holes in a lightning bug jar was incredibly important.

 

_September…_

 

Ryeowook rode down the slightly steep slope of their compound lot, breaking carefully. The tires of his bike squeaked a little, but other than that, it had been a perfect ride. Looking at Hyungsik, he broke into a confident smile. “My appa taught me how to ride a bike!”

“Wow! Can I learn?” he was jumping up and down in excitement, not wanting to lose to his best friend.

“Yeah, I’ll teach you!” Ryeowook stated, ride his bike around the lot a few times as he waited for Hyungsik to retrieve his bike from the shed.

The latter reappeared with his training wheels still attached to the back tire. Ryeowook looked at it and frowned. They would need someone to remove it for them. Telling his friend to wait for a moment, he went back home and opened the door to his deck. “Appa! I’m trying to teach Hyungsik- dongsaeng how to ride a bike. Can you take off the training wheels?”

A loud banging from the kitchen made the little boy jump. Ryeowook blinked a few times and backed away when he saw his wide-eyed dad coming towards him at alarming speeds. “Ryeo-ah, let appa teach Hyungsik, okay?”

Huffing, Ryeowook pouted. “But I wanted to teach him! I can do it!”

“Ryeowook…”

Balling his hands up, he resigned, not wanting to get lectured. Ryeowook walked back out onto the deck with his father and then headed down the steps to where Hyungsik was waiting with his bike.

Having nothing to do, Ryeowook walked over to the swings and played by himself, practicing his jump. It was a bravery game. The farther and higher you could jump, the cooler you were. So far, Hyungsik still hadn’t beaten him. After making one jump, Ryeowook turned to look at his friend who was practicing earnestly to ride a bike.

The faster he could learn to do that, the faster they could play together again.

 

 

 


	2. Second Year

 

 

_June…_

Summer had come again after a short school year. They didn’t even consider how old they were getting. Instead, school meant the end to wasting time indoors. Now they could play outside every day like they had last summer.

Ryeowook, now seven, and Hyungsik, now six, scurried around the older boy’s upstairs bathroom, torn plastic bags all around them. Colorful balloons littered the sink. In the bathtub was an army of varying sized water balloons, all of which were prepared to destroy their enemies.

After exchanging a look, the boys high fived and kept working, wanting to make even more balloons. Ryeowook filled up a particularly cute green one and pushed it aside, not wanting to add it to the massacre. “Dongsaeng, we need to hurry. They’ll be here soon!” he said, all jittery inside.

“We should have enough already, right?” Hyungsik prompted, tying another balloon closed.

“Do you think so?” Ryeowook asked, frowning uncertainly at the pile. “…okay, I guess we can go. Grab some and I’ll put the rest in the laundry basket.”

The boy nodded firmly and headed out, armed with two full arms of balloons.

In the meantime, Ryeowook did as he said he would, dragging the now loaded laundry basket down the stairs to the back deck.

When he got out, he immediately saw Hyungsik ducking behind a storage container. His ammo was all out and his head was a little wet. Laughing, Ryeowook showed his friend their incredible firepower.

“They are so going down,” Hyungsik practically roared, grabbing two of the bigger balloons and pelting them down on the older neighborhood boys. There were a few indignant cries and then super soakers were spewing cold streams of water at them.

Ryeowook covered his face, unable to stop laughing as he threw bomb after bomb. “I’m counting on you, dongsaeng-ah!” he shouted.

“I got your back, hyung!” the kid yelled back, never ceasing fire.

 

_November…_

“Ryeowook-hyung?” Hyungsik mumbled over the phone. He was sniffling and his voice was broken.

Coldness overran the young child’s body. “What’s wrong?” The kitchen suddenly seemed incredibly quiet, even though he knew his mother was cooking dinner and his father was watching television in the living room.

“M-My grandma died…”

“I’ll be there soon. Don’t worry, Hyungsik.” Ryeowook hung up the phone and ran upstairs. Finding a sweater, he zipped it up and came back down, looking at his mother who was by the stove. “Can I go see my friend?”

The news had been broken to his parents earlier, and so neither of them had a problem with Ryeowook going to see the other boy. It was late already, but the neighborhood was safe, and Hyungsik lived barely five yards from them.

Knocking on the door, Ryeowook waited in the slightly chilly night air. His friend answered immediately and then collapsed in his arms, hugging him tightly as he wailed. Ryeowook burrowed his face in Hyungsik’s shoulder, his small, chubby arms around the crying figure. They were silent on the doorstep, the dark of night enveloping them.

“It’s okay, I’m here for you,” he thought internally, “I’ll always be here for you.”

_January…_

 

“Why didn’t you tell me someone was bullying you?” Hyungsik shouted, glaring at his best friend. They sat in the younger one’s bedroom on the floor. There were some game controllers and a television near them, whilst on the other side of them was a bed and a dresser.

Ryeowook curled his hands into fists, lower lip trembling from suppressed tears. “I was used to it. I’ve been bullied since kindergarten,” he replied in a shaky, contained voice, “I didn’t think it was a big issue.”

“How can my hyung be so dumb?” he snapped. “If someone is mean to you, you have to fight back! Why would you let them make fun of you?”

“I already told you!” Ryeowook cried, covering his eyes as tears started spilling again. This had already happened once today and he didn’t want to cry anymore. When he told his parents that morning, they wrote a letter to the teacher and then the instructor proceeded to take Ryeowook and his bully out into the hallway.

Hyungsik hugged his friend, patting his back comfortingly. “If anyone hurts you again, hyung, just tell me and I’ll fix everything. I won’t let anyone make you cry.”

There was no reply though, just louder sobbing and a tighter embrace.

 

_February_

 

A big pink heart-shaped card was pushed towards Ryeowook. Breaking into a smile, he took it and looked at Hyungsik’s trembling scrawled words: _Have a Happy Valentine’s Day! Love, Hyungsik_

In return, Ryeowook handed the younger boy a box of candy hearts and a red card with pink hearts drawn all over it. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” He hugged his friend, laughing a little.

They were still at recess, hanging out by the brick wall. Around them, people were playing games and running around, but on that particular day, they had decided to just stand and observe. It was rare for them to not be part of freeze tag or some other game, and yet there seemed to be more interesting things to talk about.

“Hey, do you like anyone, Ryeowook?” Hyungsik blurted.

Pausing, he asked, “What do you mean? I like a lot of people.”

“Well…a bunch of girls in my class talk about boys they like. Do you like any boys?”

“Uhm…,” Ryeowook frowned, blushing all of a sudden, “Yeah, I think I have a crush on the boy I sit next to. A lot of people like him too though. …And I guess I like another one too. He’s really funny and nice.”

“Can you like more than one person?” The younger one cocked his head.

Ryeowook puffed out his cheeks. “Hmm…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, right? We should all like each other.”

Thinking over those words, Hyungsik finally nodded, “Yeah that sounds right.”

 

 

 


	3. Third Year

 

_December…_

The snow was falling down in steep amounts. It wasn’t cold out though. In contrast, the sky was white and the wind was low. Ryeowook waddled out the front door and flopped face first into the snow. Laughing to himself, he rolled over just in time to see Hyungsik dog pile on top of him.

“Gotcha!” the younger of the two shouted.

Their faces were close together, puffy snow suits pressed up against one another. Ryeowook gasped, giggling. “You’re crushing me!”

“How can I be crushing you?” Hyungsik argued playfully, “You’re so round and soft. It’s like a marshmallow!”

Ryeowook waved his arms and legs, making a snow angel. “You’re so scrawny, that’s all, dongsaeng,” he returned, eyes twinkling with humor.

They continued playing around in the snow, talking to one another from time to time. Neither of them even noticed the cold, only focused on making a better snow ball than the other boy, or making a prettier snow angel.

Once they were all tired out, Ryeowook climbed to his feet and offered his hand to Hyungsik. “My umma says she’ll make us hot cocoa. Wanna come inside?” he asked.

“Okay,” Hyungsik grinned, dusting snow off his fluffy suit, “By the way, what do you want for Christmas?”

_October…_

Ryeowook was digging through his closet, trying to assemble his costume. The window to his upstairs bedroom was wide open and allowing a cool breeze in. Finding his bandana, he wrapped it around his head and peeked out the window to see his friends waiting down below.

“Hurry up!” Hyungsik whined, grinning and waving around his pumpkin shaped candy collector. He was dressed up as a clown without any of the make-up. A wig adorned his head and a striped orange and red suit covered his body. “Are you a pirate?” he asked, looking confused. “I thought you wanted to be an angel!”

“I can’t find my angel costume,” Ryeowook called back “I’ll be down in a second!” And then he ran out, fumbling with his sneakers. When he reached the door, his mother handed him a brown jacket and a pumpkin container to get candy – a matching one to Hyungsik’s.

“Let’s go,” the clown was humming with excitement, offering his hand to Ryeowook. They bounded down the street, swinging their connected hands excitedly.

 

Later that night, Ryeowook would take the first bite of his Halloween candy, and find out he had a cavity. Darn.

_March…_

Third grade was more than a little fun. Ryeowook was positive that Hyungsik was having fun in second grade. Of course, with all of that fun came some less than enjoyable incidents. For instance, the current situation wasn’t very nice at all.

“He’s _my_ best friend!” Hyungsik yelled, yanking harshly on Ryeowook’s arm.

On the other side, Ryeowook’s new friend jerked on his other arm, saying, “No, he _isn’t_. Who are you anyway? He’s my best friend, so go away!”

“We’ve been friends for years!” the second grader growled, pulling hard.

Ryeowook winced, opening his mouth to butt in. Instead, he was interrupted by more yelling from his classmate’s side. What could he say? They weren’t even listening to him anyway. Sighing, he let them go on as they pleased, feeling helpless and slightly guilty. Guilty, because he finally understood what the rope in tug-of-war felt like.

If he could help it, he would never play that game again. Poor rope.

 

_May…_

It was just a lazy day. Ryeowook had finished his nap and it was finally time to go hang out with his friend. Walking outside, he saw Hyungsik sitting at the swing set.

“What’s up?” he asked, taking the empty plastic blue seat.

“I heard a rumor at school today,” the boy replied, “It was about some girl and boy from your grade.”

Ryeowook nodded slowly, confused. “What did you hear?”

“…apparently they were caught doing something bad under the jungle gym. I heard they were making out,” Hyungsik explained, seemingly puzzled as well. “I pretended to know what that meant, but I’m not really sure what they were talking about. What’s ‘making out’?”

“I don’t know,” he responded, leaning his head back, hands gripping the gel covered chains of the swing. Ryeowook swayed back and forth slowly, eyes turned up to the grey sky. “Maybe that person didn’t finish their sentence? What were they ‘making out’? Like…were they making out a bird they couldn’t see too clearly? Or maybe they were making out some bug that was crawling on the floor.”

Hyungsik kicked his feet. “Do you think they would get in trouble for doing that stuff?”

“Teachers are scary. Remember that one teacher who tried to frame me?” he reminded.

“Oh yeah…teachers are really evil,” the boy agreed.

Ryeowook swung higher and higher, saying, “Hey, let’s play the Brave Game!”

They finally reached the same height, and before Ryeowook could jump off, Hyungsik took the older boy’s hand, holding it tightly as they swung in unison. “Look, we’re married!”

“You’re right,” he laughed.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

Ryeowook unwrapped his cream filled bread, smiling before taking a bite of it and chewing. Across the courtyard, he could see the 7th graders playing basketball. Dribbling towards the goal was Hyungsik, a broad smile on his face. Ryeowook watched with interest, chuckling from time to time.

“Hey, what’re you watching?” Heechul, a boy from the high school division, asked. Plopping down beside the eighth grader, he threw an arm across the back of the bench.

Finishing off his snack, he picked up his juice and poked the straw through the hole. Ryeowook corrected his falling, thin rimmed glasses and then smiled at his hyung. “Hyungsik-dongsaeng is playing basketball.”

Heechul looked at Ryeowook, making a slight face of disdain. “Ryeo-ah, you should really watch what you eat. Soon you won’t fit in the biggest size at stores.”

“But food is just so yummy,” he laughed, eyes cast down. Ryeowook sipped at the juice box. “I don’t mind being like this…” _So long as Hyungsik doesn’t mind…_

“Well…just make sure you don’t die,” Heechul grunted, patting the boy’s shoulder, standing up. “I’m going back to class before my teacher realizes I ditched. Catch ya later, kid.” He winked and walked off, apparently catching up to a lanky foreign transfer student.

Ryeowook glanced down at his body, seeing rolls and indecent bulges from his stomach, chest, and thigh areas. Was Hyungsik really happy with how he looked? His best friend’s opinion of him was very important. It wouldn’t be fair to the younger boy if he was embarrassed walking down the street with someone such as Ryeowook.

“What are you thinking about?” A shadow fell over him. Ryeowook’s head shot up and he smiled at Hyungsik’s sweaty face.

He picked up the towel laying on his school bag and dabbed at his dongsaeng’s glistening features. “Did you win?” Ryeowook questioned.

“What? You weren’t watching closely enough?” he clicked his tongue, pinching one of the chubby boy’s cheeks. Hyungsik nuzzled his head into the soft towel. “But yeah, we won, of course.”

Laughter came from behind the younger male. A group of boys walked past them, patting and cheering Hyungsik. One of them looked at Ryeowook and smirked, “Hyungsik-ah, why don’t you get one of those pretty girls from your class to wipe your sweat off?”

“Yeah, you’re the only one who would want that fatty helping you,” another friend chuckled.

Hyungsik brushed them off, ruffling his hyung’s hair. “Don’t listen to them. You’re beautiful.” He meant it sincerely, really he did. It was obvious in the light that made his eyes shimmer and glisten. No doubt, Ryeowook was the only one who could see such an intimate thing.

“Okay, dongsaeng,” he laughed it off, not bothered by those comments anymore. Hyungsik was the only one whose opinion truly mattered. They were friends and friends were the ones who truly cared. Even Heechul’s backhanded words held some honest concern. Ryeowook knew that his hyung cared deeply for him, and that his feelings were embedded in health concerns. But – he looked down at himself and saw the way his shirt seemed to curve around rolls and jutting fat – what could he do at that point to make all of the weight go away?

For health reasons, wouldn’t it be good to try and lose some of that fat?

“Hey, hey, stop thinking about it,” Hyungsik patted his friend’s cheek, “I already told you, you’re absolutely beautiful the way you are. I don’t care what they have to say about you. Isn’t that all that matters?” He suddenly paused, looking down and seemingly blushing behind the layer of sweat and flushed skin. Taking the towel from Ryeowook, he covered his face, trying to hide.

However, the older male didn’t really notice – too focused on his plans. Ryeowook touched Hyungsik’s shoulder, saying, “Can you help me exercise? Not a lot, just enough to keep my heart pounding,” Ryeowook added at the end.

Recovering, Hyungsik took barely a second to say, “Of course.”

 

And so, that afternoon, they headed off to the soccer field and started training.

 

***

 

“I don’t think you’ve ever sweat that much before,” Hyungsik remarked, suppressing laughter.

Ryeowook shot him a soft glare and continued draining his water bottle. Sweat dripped down from every possible orifice. “I…don’t know how…anyone…,” he had to pause to breathe, heart pounding erratically, “can exercise…like that..!”

The younger male just chuckled and wiped his face with the edge of his shirt. A soccer ball rolled around shifted around on the grass by his feet. “You’ll get used to it eventually.”

“I don’t think I like this,” he argued, coughing and pounding his chest. Suddenly, Ryeowook’s eyes widened and he keeled over, puking harshly into the grass.

Hyungsik’s eyes widened and he rushed over, one hand rubbing circles into the boy’s backside. “Are you okay?” he asked quickly, wincing when he heard more garbled groans slip from his friend’s mouth.

A few minutes passed and Ryeowook sat back, wiping his mouth tiredly. Muttering under his breath, he looked up at Hyungsik who was kneeling at his side. The younger male smiled sheepishly and said, “Maybe we rushed this.”

“Sorry,” Ryeowook sighed, making a face as his esophagus burned.

“Don’t apologize,” he shook his head, “There’s no reason for you to do that. C’mon, let’s head home.” Hyungsik offered his arm, wrapping it around his friend’s shoulders and helping to carry him back towards their houses.

Ryeowook smiled softly, secretly enjoying the lightness of his body. It had felt painful while he was working out, but now he felt great. He hardly thought it was the exercise causing this sudden feeling of emptiness. Instead, he was positive it had to do with throwing up all of that food and acid.

That would definitely be the easy way out. If he just didn’t let it get out of hand, then no one would worry, right?

 

So, that night, he ate dinner as he normally did, and then headed upstairs to the bathroom. Ryeowook leaned over the toilet, trying to catch his breath and still his beating heart. Parting his lips, he closed his eyes and shoved two fingers deep into his mouth, pressing on his gag reflex.

Choking silently, Ryeowook spit and coughed, abruptly feeling his dinner pour out, sloshing in the water. The mere sound of that made him gag more, forcing bile to rise. Ryeowook snapped the shower on, covering up the painful noises. It was fine. No one would worry so long as he continued eating and acting as he normally did.

Yes, Hyungsik’s opinion was all that mattered, but Ryeowook wanted other people to continue looking on at his friend with respect. They would tease Hyungsik someday if he continued hanging out with a fat bum like Ryeowook.

He knew that.

 

Ryeowook stepped out of the bathroom after showering and brushing his teeth, only to find Hyungsik sitting in his bedroom. Hardly surprised, Ryeowook placed glasses on and sat down at his desk to start on homework.

A stuffed animal was resting in the younger boy’s arms. Hyungsik played with its thin limbs, at times shaking it to make the head move back and forth.

“What’s up?” Ryeowook asked after some time. He closed his textbook and turned around, hands folded in his lap.

Hyungsik looked him in the eyes, opened his mouth, blushed, and then looked back down with a heavy sigh. Shaking his head, Hyungsik pursed his lips together.

“That wasn’t an answer,” the older male laughed.

“It’s…well, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Ryeowook nodded ever so slowly and then climbed onto the bed beside his friend. There was just enough room for the both of them. “Are you sleeping over tonight? If so, then I’ll grab the extra blankets.”

“Uhm…yeah, okay, I’ll sleep over,” Hyungsik smiled, trying to hide a strangely uncomfortable emotion blooming in the depths of his eyes.

“If there’s something wrong, then please tell me,” he stated seriously, not one to miss the dark inflection in his oldest friend’s expression. Ryeowook took his hand, holding it tightly. “We’re best friends.”

Hyungsik seemed to be fighting within himself, lips trembling terribly. Breathing in sharply, he looked away. “No…it’s just…Ryeowook,” he touched the chubby boy’s cheek, managing a warm, soft chuckle, “I…We…have known each other for twelve years. You really think I don’t feel anything for you?”

“You love me, right?” Ryeowook replied easily, “We’re brothers. Of course I expect you to feel something for me.”

The boy groaned, face heavily flushed, “No, silly, I really mean it! I…,” he squeaked suddenly and shut his mouth in embarrassment.

The air around them changed and right then and there, reality crashed down on him. Ryeowook’s eyes grew large, lips parting in speechlessness. “Hyungsik…,” he mumbled, reaching out for his friend.

“No!” the latter shouted, scrambling off of the bed. Hyungsik covered his face, coughing and running towards the door. “I-It’s nothing! I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then he was practically flying out of the room.

Ryeowook gazed after him, wondering what he had done. It didn’t feel like things were ending. Rather, he felt something opening inside of him. Better yet, it wasn’t just opening, it was warming and growing and finally blossoming into its full potential. Ryeowook leaned back on his headboard, closing his eyes in wonder and excitement.

Would it really work?

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

He looked at himself in the mirror, pleased with the sight of his body thinning out. There were still definite deformities caused by obesity, but he noticed that his shirts were fitting just a bit better. Ryeowook glanced at the toilet and swallowed hard.

It was still an uncomfortable, slightly guilty ritual. Some weeks had passed since that moment he shared with Hyungsik and ever since then things were slowly progressing between them. In Ryeowook’s mind, it had everything to do with his sudden weight loss. Otherwise, why would Hyungsik suddenly bring up things like love?

What if he stopped what he was doing? Would things stop with Hyungsik as well? Ryeowook couldn’t help but fear such things. Yes, he believed that his friend would always be his friend. But how coincidental was it that the night he started losing weight was the same night things changed for them? Ryeowook didn’t want things to revert back if he started gaining pounds.

It just wasn’t a risk he was willing to take.

His hands curled into fists, tears pricking his eyes. Slowly, Ryeowook kneeled down before the toilet and roughly shoved two fingers down his throat. The shower was pouring down as always, obscuring the sounds of his painful sobbing and gagging.

_It’s all to keep him…it’s all just to keep him…_

Ryeowook blinked back tears, fingers shaking as they gripped the floor and bathtub.

 

Sunlight streamed through his bedroom window, bringing with it a warm breeze. Yawning, Ryeowook sat up and stretched, enjoying how light he felt. He went through his morning routine, finishing it off by grabbing his book bag and heading downstairs to see his mom making dumplings for breakfast.

“Oh, what’s the special occasion?” Ryeowook asked, excited at the prospect of eating.

“No reason,” his mother responded, “invite Hyungsik over. He likes dumplings too, right?”

“Ah, I’ll be right back then.” He headed out the front door, hurrying across the small driveway to his friend’s house. Ryeowook knocked a few times, waiting in jittery excitement for someone to answer the door.

A minute or so passed before the door creaked open. Hyungsik stood on the other side, his shirt missing and his eyes blearily half-shut. “Hmm?” he grunted.

“Why are you still asleep?” Ryeowook laughed, pushing his way inside and pulling his friend up the stairs. “You need to get ready. My umma made dumplings this morning and we have an early morning assembly today too.”

“What time is it?” he grumbled, allowing the older boy to pull him around. Hyungsik felt a toothbrush being shoved into his mouth and then a hand forcing him to curl his own fingers around the handle. Keeping his eyes shut, Hyungsik brushed his teeth, leaning heavily on the counter.

Ryeowook checked his watch and then said, “We have to head out in half an hour.”

Two tired eyes opened to glare at the male. Hyungsik finished brushing his teeth and spit into the sink, rinsing his mouth out as well. “You woke me up that early?” he complained, scrubbing his face clean of sleep and oils. “Jerk…”

“Sorry, dongsaeng,” Ryeowook chuckled, patting the boy’s back softly, “hurry up though! There’s a yummy breakfast waiting for you!”

Hyungsik muttered incoherently, but complied nonetheless. It took five minutes for him to be ready and relatively awake. Ryeowook was waiting by the front door when Hyungsik trudged down the staircase. “Alright, let’s go,” he sighed, cracking a faint smile as he slung one arm around the older boy.

“Mm!” Ryeowook nodded, grinning.

Breakfast flew by without much of a hitch. Ryeowook was just about to head upstairs to finish his morning routine, but then stopped himself when he felt Hyungsik grabbing his hand. The latter dragged him towards the door, talking about things like being late and such. Ryeowook swallowed painfully, his throat burning with need.

The feeling of being bloated wouldn’t go away. Ryeowook trailed after Hyungsik helplessly. Why couldn’t the male understand that he was feeling hideous in that moment? Then again, of course he wouldn’t notice. It was a good thing that he didn’t notice. Ryeowook had an inkling that Hyungsik would profusely disapprove and tell him once again that he was “beautiful”. Certainly that was just him being nice. No one wanted to be with a fat person, especially someone as athletic and built and tall as Hyungsik.

They were running down the street and Ryeowook was almost positive that his breakfast wasn’t going to stay down. A part of him was relieved, but the other part was scared. What if Hyungsik noticed something was off? Then everything would crumble right before his eyes. Ryeowook wouldn’t be able to keep losing weight at that accelerated speed. In fact, he would probably start gaining pounds again and then…and then…

Abruptly, Ryeowook covered his mouth, veering off the road to grab at a nearby trash can. He hurled into the mess, coughing raggedly. Indeed, relief washed over him at the emptiness beginning to fill him.

From behind, Hyungsik had stopped walking. Hurrying over to his friend, he patted his back in concern. “Man, do you have a stomach bug? It’s not like you to throw up this much.”

Ryeowook mumbled out an excuse before backing away from the trash and wiping his mouth. Uncapping his water bottle, he rinsed his mouth out and spit back into the dump. “I’m fine,” he added, voice hoarse from lingering acid.

“Alright…,” Hyungsik said skeptically, eyes roaming over his friend’s state. He shook off the curiosity and quickly nodded towards the road again. “We should really pick up the pace. There’s not much time left.”

Agreeing silently, Ryeowook headed off with his friend.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

“You’re seriously huge.”

Ryeowook looked up from where he was sitting on a stone ledge. A half wrapped sandwich rested in his lap, but suddenly, as he stared at it, the thing seemed to be a five pound lump of lard just waiting to add a fresh roll to his stomach.

The boy who had suddenly said that was Hyungsik’s friend – someone who seemed to deeply despise Ryeowook for some reason. “Why the fuck are you so fat? I don’t get it. Aren’t you Korean? Does your umma feed you feasts every night or something?” He sneered and knocked the lunch from Ryeowook’s hands.

“No, she doesn’t.” He glanced at the ruined food.

“What? You still want it, piggy?” The boy grabbed Ryeowook’s collar, yanking him forward before kicking him down to the ground. “Go ahead and eat it then.” He was kneeling down, one hand gripping the back of Ryeowook’s head. “C’mon, I’ll even help you!” Grabbing a handful of dirt covered bread and meat; he shoved it into the older boy’s mouth.

Ryeowook struggled helplessly, his muscles and strength long since depleted from his recent activities. Tears and gasping sobs burst from him as he tried to get away from the gravelly taste of that food. “S-Stop!” he shouted in a muffled voice.

A crowd of people was slowly starting to form, the majority of people from the boy’s group of friends. All of them were athletes and all of them were very obviously against Ryeowook.

“Stop?” the boy barked, “You seriously just said that? What kind of upperclassmen are you, fatty? Do you really think you should be hanging out with someone like Hyungsik-ah? You’re such a loser. You’re messing with our friend, so just get the fuck away from him already.”

“S-Sorry…I’m sorry...,” Ryeowook cried softly, nails clawing at the ground as he tried to break away. His glasses were off-kilter and he was feeling heavier than he had ever felt at that point. He was just so obese and disgusting and if those boys could see it, then Hyungsik had to see it too. They were all close friends. How could Ryeowook really believe that just because they had a history, that Hyungsik really wouldn’t see how disgusting he was?

“Yeah, you should be sorry, fatass.” The boy laughed, standing up and kicking him harshly in the side. He did it again, and again, and again. “Hyungsik is just too nice. That’s why he always sticks by you. Go away already. You’re so gross that it’s not even funny. I don’t even want to look at you.” Another powerful kick landed and Ryeowook gasped for air, spitting up dirt and crumbling food.

All around, laughter swirled and increased in volume. Ryeowook couldn’t ignore this time. His chest was squeezing and his clothes felt as if they were ready to burst at the seams. He got up shakily, running blindly towards the school.

Ryeowook stumbled through the corridors, heading straight for the bathroom. He shoved a stall open, throwing himself down on the toilet. Sobs wracked his body as he induced vomiting.

_Why am I so ugly?_

He could barely hear the sloshing of stomach acid mixing with dirty water. All he knew was that his gut felt lighter with each passing moment.

_Why did I think I was good enough to be around him?_

“I’m sorry…,” he whimpered, spitting up. Ryeowook forced more fingers down his throat.

_I’m so fat._

Pure acid was spilling out of him at that point, severely burning his mouth and lips. Ryeowook tried to puke up more, but there was just nothing left.

_I’m so disgusting._

Looking down at himself, Ryeowook dug his nails into the fat of his arms, ripping skin open with each brutal clawing.

_He would never like me._

“Please…please let me be skinny…,” he whispered brokenly, trying to tear away the layers of lard. Bloody tendrils bloomed on his fair skin and all Ryeowook could do was wish that the process would go faster.

_I must be crazy._

Ryeowook was about to start ripping at his stomach fat when suddenly two arms tightly wrapped around him.

The air stopped and his breath hitched. A sweet voice was crying into his ear, the arms that seemed so strong at first, shaking uncontrollably. “Please stop, Ryeowook. You’re so beautiful. You’re absolutely gorgeous. Don’t do this. Don’t listen to anyone.” Hyungsik caught the stunned boy’s jaw, turning his head slightly so their eyes met. “Why can’t you believe me? I…,” he swallowed, “I love you. I love you as you are. You don’t need anyone else to tell you that, right? Who else is important? I think you’re beautiful in every way. So stop.”

And you would think everything would be okay.

But Ryeowook just shook his head and wailed.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

“C’mon.”

“I already did.”

“Stop lying.”

“I’m not lying!”

“Don’t make me sit on you.”

Ryeowook frowned, suppressing a sigh. Why was Hyungsik so difficult? “Stop worrying. I have it under control. I’ll stop.” He picked up his chopsticks and plucked up a piece of kimchi. Popping it into his mouth, he chewed slowly, eyes locked with his friend’s.

“Just…did they really get to you?” Hyungsik asked softly.

No one else was home that day. Ryeowook’s mom was working the nightshift and being the good friend he was, Hyungsik offered to sleep over for the night. He knew for a fact that his friend hated being alone in an empty house. And after what had happened earlier that day, he couldn’t imagine leaving Ryeowook’s side.

“No, not really,” he responded honestly, “…I let myself get to me. I keep thinking that you don’t like me as I am. I know you keep saying you do, but the words they told me make sense. How can someone like you actually like me – even as a friend?” Ryeowook took a steadying breath, eyes focused on the bowl of rice before him. “I can’t believe it. I want to be good enough for you so I can tell you how I feel.” His gaze lifted to meet Hyungsik’s somber expression. “I didn’t want you to tell me you love me just because you found me in that state.”

Ryeowook had to remind himself then that he was only fourteen. It was crazy of him to be speaking so highly. However, despite all of that, he wanted to get across those feelings. They weren’t just children. They were children with twelve years of history. That was more than most married couples would ever be able to say.

“I didn’t just say it because of that,” Hyungsik argued softly, “…I’ve wanted to tell you since we were eight and you piggy backed me home from the nearby park.” His face grew slightly pink, but he had become determined to get these feelings across. Holding them in had obviously resulted in something horrible. Hyungsik took one of Ryeowook’s hands, while urging him to continue eating as they talked.

Hyungsik made a note of how soft that hand felt in his, and then made a note of how absolutely elegant they were. A pianist’s fingers were everything, right? He knew that Ryeowook’s dream was to be a composer and travel the world, playing his music. If possible, he wanted to be a part of that. Since they were tiny, he wanted to stay with the older boy. Forever and ever they could continue on their journey together. That’s how it was meant to be. Or so Hyungsik wished.

“When we were little,” he began, “you wouldn’t try to protect me. Instead, you would want to stand beside me. When bullies came by, we would fight them together. When people came to steal our swings, we would make them go away together. But that day, just one time, you let me protect you because you had just been yelled at by your umma. I didn’t mind fighting, because I knew you were a cry baby and you were really hurt by that little incident.”

Hyungsik smiled to himself, eyes warm as he seemed to fall into the fond memory, “But in the end, you pushed aside your own feelings and picked me up. You carried me all the way back to our houses and I just couldn’t believe I had a friend as amazing as you. I didn’t know I was in love with you. What I did know what that I wanted to live with you forever.” He exhaled, chuckling softly, not noticing the look of astonishment and blankness on Ryeowook’s face.

“I wanted you to be next to me when I slept and I wanted you to be next to me whenever we came in contact with dangerous people. I wanted you to cook me food and play games with me. I wanted you to hold my hand when I cried, and play the piano for me whenever I was feeling lonely. I just wanted you all around, all the time.” Hyungsik finally looked up at Ryeowook, only to end up blushing and averting his gaze. “Sorry, I guess I got carried away.”

Ryeowook shook his head once, twice, thrice. “No…no…that’s not it,” he whispered, not realizing that he had finished his dinner. Setting the bowl and chopsticks aside, he angled his body so he could be directly facing Hyungsik. “I…I’m just surprised. I never thought that I would hear you say any of that,” he mumbled, speaking without really processing what he was saying. “…do you think we’re being…immature, though? We’re not even in high school. I can barely reach the stove. My umma still does my laundry.”

“It doesn’t matter because as long as we’re together, I don’t care how old I am.” Hyungsik scooted closer, gazing at Ryeowook quietly.

“A-ah…,” he muttered, heat creeping up his neck.

Nothing else was said that night though. They sat at the dining table for a long time, simply holding hands. Ryeowook didn’t even know if he was thinking of anything rational. All he knew was that he and his best friend were apparently head over heels for one another. And yet, it felt like there was something off.

He would soon deduce that it was discomfort with the world around them. People would object. They would call them names. No one would truly approve.

Yet Ryeowook knew that neither of them wanted to back down. Twelve years…Twelve years of falling in love had taken its toll. Neither of them was prepared to throw all of that away.

The rest of the night passed with Hyungsik watching television, or doing homework, or otherwise toying with different things in the house. A large array of thick blankets and pillows had formed a makeshift sleeping area in the living room for the both of them. Ryeowook lined the comfy, fluffy fort of sorts with stuffed animals and couch cushions. Two knit blankets were folded at the foot of their somewhat square-shaped sleeping arrangement.

And still, nothing was said.

Ryeowook stepped out of the bathroom after drying his hair, only to find that Hyungsik had been waiting outside the door. Their eyes met for a brief moment, and Ryeowook smiled in pleasant surprise. Offering his hand, he took Hyungsik’s, and they headed slowly down the stairs back to their bedding.

Once upon the fluffiness, Ryeowook pulled the blankets over them and turned on the television. A sappy romantic drama was playing. Hyungsik didn’t complain, so they kept it on without really paying much attention to it.

Instead, they held hands tightly, refusing to let go for even a moment. Ryeowook leaned his head on Hyungsik’s shoulder, eyes lulling closed. The blanket was pulled over the both of them by a half-conscious Hyungsik. They turned off the television and pressed close together, their fingers lacing naturally as they drifted to sleep.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

Ryeowook was getting by in school just fine after that one incident. It seemed that Hyungsik had lost his friends though. At first, Ryeowook had felt bad about doing that to his friend – for a moment he even believed that he really was dragging the younger boy down – but then he was reassured that those people weren’t worth being friends with in the first place. If they had such a terrible time accepting Ryeowook, then they had a hard time excepting Hyungsik’s true personality as well.

There was a definite disconnect with the rest of the world. No one knew they were in love, but it had probably become evident that something changed. They weren’t touchier or closer – there was just… _something_.

“Hey, let me try that,” Hyungsik grinned, opening his mouth.

Ryeowook picked up the morsel and brought it to his lover’s lips. Dropping it into Hyungsik’s mouth, he giggled and went back to eating his lunch. “Is it good?”

“How could it not be good when you were the one who made it?” he responded easily, swallowing the food. Hyungsik went back to eating his own lunch.

“Sweet talkers are dangerous, you know,” Ryeowook teased, “you never know when they’ll stop being so nice.”

“After this long, you think I’m just sweet talking you?” he retorted playfully, “Man, I must be the worst pick up artist ever.” Hyungsik leaned forward, laughing under his breath. His eyes were closing bit by bit, body slumping against Ryeowook. “Hmm…can you wake me up in a little bit?”

The strange thing recently was that Hyungsik couldn’t seem to stay awake for extended periods of time. Ryeowook didn’t really understand why his friend seemed so exhausted. Even during that basketball match so long ago, he recalled Hyungsik sweating a lot more than usual. Was the kid that out of shape? Ryeowook was having a hard time believing that his oldest friend was losing his athletic touch.

“Yeah, of course,” he told the younger boy, shifting around so Hyungsik could rest his head on his lap. Ryeowook brushed the hair out of that sleepy face and then took a deep, calming breath.

 

At first, he hadn’t planned on putting much thought into the other boy’s behavior. That is, until the night Hyungsik collapsed. Ryeowook didn’t understand what was happening. One second, the boy was walking around freely and happily; and the next, he was tripping down the last step on the stairs.

Ryeowook stared at the boy for a matter of seconds before he was kneeling down and cradling Hyungsik’s head. “H-Hey…Hey, wake up!” he shouted, checking the other male’s chest for a heartbeat. “Umma…,” Ryeowook whispered, head snapping to the backyard deck. Gently setting Hyungsik’s head down, he made a dash for the sliding door.

Bursting outside, he could see both of their parents sitting outside, having a good time. Ryeowook hadn’t realized he was crying until the tears were blurring his glasses. “UMMA!” he screamed, pointing towards the house.

Without asking for explanation, adults swarmed inside, quickly followed by yelling and dialing phones. Behind all of them, Ryeowook was coming back inside. His eyes were focused on Hyungsik who was being coaxed by his mother to wake up. Normally, a fainting spell wouldn’t scare all of them so much, but the problem was that Hyungsik got a fainting spell.

He was such a healthy boy – in fact, he had never gotten sick for more than a few hours. None of it made sense and right then and there, Ryeowook felt as if it were somehow his fault. If he had just told someone about the little things he had noticed about Hyungsik recently, maybe his mother would’ve been more aware or at least more prepared. Then again, hell, Ryeowook wasn’t even sure what he had been seeing.

What would he say? “Oh, Hyungsik’s been really exhausted lately.” No one would take that seriously.

“Ryeowook, do you want to ride in the ambulance with me?”

He barely processed those words. Lights were blaring and he wondered when the paramedics had arrived. Nodding blindly, he followed the stretcher into the light shining through the doorway.

 

***

 

It was supposed to be nothing.

It should’ve been a simply mistake.

But it wasn’t.

The doctor said something about autoimmune disease. Ryeowook didn’t understand what that was. It was enough to hear the severity in the professional’s voice.

_…Rare…_

_…Forever…_

_…Reaction…_

_…Years at best…_

Ryeowook could hear Mrs. Park crying and begging for them to do something to fix him. Other than that, his brain was swimming. Lights were no longer flashing.

If he cried and pleaded like Mrs. Park, would it all go away?

Would Hyungsik be okay?

So he tried.

He sobbed and wailed in the waiting room.

He begged every god he could think of.

He made promises to never induce vomiting.

He prayed.

He sang.

He curled into a ball and wished.

He waited for 11:11.

 

Anything.

Anything…he would do anything to make reality warp into something beautiful again.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

 

“I’m fine, really, I am.” Hyungsik assured for the umpteenth time. He tried to take his book bag back from Ryeowook, but the latter refused. “Hyung!” he whined, “I’m seriously going to be okay! So please just calm down and give me—”

Ryeowook’s head whipped around, eyes dark and angry. “No!” he snapped. “I heard everything from the doctor already. You can’t overexert yourself even more. Stop trying to be brave and just let your hyung take care of you.”

The look on Hyungsik’s face changed and he grabbed Ryeowook’s wrist, pulling him to a halt. Turning the older boy around, he locked their gazes. “You’re my boyfriend first. You’re my hyung second. Most importantly though, don’t try to take care of me. I want to take care of you.” He flushed, brow furrowing in suppressed discomfort, “Don’t make me feel so useless, Ryeo-ah.”

Sighing, Ryeowook shook his hand, breaking the hold his boyfriend had on him. “…sorry…I didn’t mean to do that…or well, yes, I did mean to do that. I’m just older than you and I want to take care of you,” he looked up at Hyungsik, smiling a little sadly, “You’re taller than me, you’re more athletic than me, and you’re everything that I wish I could be. The only thing I have over you is that I’m older. And right now…,” Ryeowook sighed, “you’re—”

Hyungsik closed the distance, acting on instinct. Reaching out, he grabbed either side of the boy’s face, tilting it up. Their lips met in a rushed, awkward kiss. Ryeowook’s eyes widened, mouth stiff and frozen against the heated touch.

There was a long pause as both of them realized just how strange it felt to touch each other in that way.

As they stepped apart, their eyes met only to reflect the same mixture of horror and speechlessness. Ryeowook brushed his fingers across his own lips, wondering if he should feel grossed out from the wetness, or be excited because Hyungsik had just kissed him. In his head, he always imagined that a first kiss would be a lot more…comfortable. However, it was sort of the opposite. A wave of awkwardness overpowered him and he felt about ready to hurl or maybe scream and run away from the person who had left spit on his mouth.

“Sorry, that was really weird,” Hyungsik blurted, reaching out and wiping Ryeowook’s mouth. “I thought that in the movies it was supposed to be really romantic and shit. Apparently it’s not in real life.”

“Maybe it gets better over time?” Ryeowook offered softly, blushing at his own words.

The younger boy laughed, shaking his head and starting off towards the school. “Let’s not think about it too much. We really should head to school, huh?”

He nodded emphatically and caught up with Hyungsik. The rest of the walk was pleasantly quiet, both of them trapped in their own thoughts. At first, it was certainly the kiss that plagued their minds. But then, slowly, Ryeowook’s mind drifted back to what had gotten him so flustered earlier. Hyungsik was…really ill. It wasn’t something that would pass. The doctor already said that.

Ryeowook tried not to think about. Really, he did. But the fact was so impossible to forget. His friend would die someday soon. His best friend, his oldest friend, his only true friend, his possible friend-turned-lover was going to leave him.

It wasn’t fair. It would never be fair. There was no time for it to become fair.

 

***

The lunch bell rang and as usual, Ryeowook sat down on a bench and opened up his lunch. At first, he was a little hesitant, but it had been a long time since those bullies came to bother him. He was surprised to see Hyungsik jogging out to the basketball court though. The people playing with him appeared to be normal classmates, not athletes or jerks.

Ryeowook got up, brow furrowed in worry. “Hyungsik-ah,” he called.

“I’m fine!” the younger boy called, waving brightly before shrugging his jacket off and joining his teammates before they started the game.

Grudgingly, Ryeowook sat back down and began slowly eating his lunch, not sure what to think of the boy’s obvious act. They both knew what the consequences were of overexertion, so why was Hyungsik even taking the chance of playing a game of basketball? Yes, it was just lunch time sports, but that could still cause sweating, fatigue, etc.

Settling on just keeping a close watch, he sighed and leaned forward. Ryeowook kept his mind completely focused on Hyungsik, not daring to look away from the boy for even a second. If something happened, he would be there immediately. There was no way anything bad would happen so long as he was watching closely with tensed muscles. Ryeowook stayed with that strategy for a long time, longer than anyone would’ve ever expected him to be able to, but then he lessoned up a bit so he could check to see if his phone had battery and his pocket had a band-aid or two. You never know.

To say he was relieved would be making an understatement. Ryeowook was absolutely thankful that his friend was still okay after playing that game. It was terrifying to watch him sweat and huff and lunge. For the first time, Ryeowook had lost faith in Hyungsik’s physical strength.

The most painful part, the truly horrifying part though, was that it had just begun.

From there on out, it would get worse.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

 

“Congratulations on finishing your second year. We’re excited to see you after break and don’t forget to finish your summer homework,” the homeroom teacher smiled and nodded, collecting his things as the class was dismissed.

Ryeowook immediately jumped out of his seat, by-passing his friends with quick goodbyes. This was the first day of freedom and he knew exactly how he wanted to spend it.

Shoving past students, he made his way to the staircase, quickly running down them and towards the exit. Ryeowook slipped passed a group of students, rather thankful for his size. Someone’s hand wrapped around his wrist, yanking him back before he could escape the confines of the school.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” a sweet, smooth voice whispered near his ear. An arm draped around his chest, a hand resting lightly on his shoulder.

“Why aren’t you in the hospital?” Ryeowook cried, eyes widening in worry. He tilted his head, glasses off-kilter.

Hyungsik pecked his boyfriend’s lips, winking and hugging him tighter. “They were quick today. How could I be trapped in a sterile white room on such a special day?”

Heat crept across his cheeks and he nuzzled his face in the younger male’s forearm. Ryeowook smiled, “So where do you want to go then?”

“Have you lost weight again?” Hyungsik asked, brow furrowing.

“Not that much…this time,” he mumbled as discreetly as possible, “But, c’mon, let’s go already!” Ryeowook pulled the boy clinging to him towards the door, laughing and trying to get away from the strong hold.

They finally broke apart, immediately falling into step and finding one another’s hands. Fingers laced together and shoulder bumped in the companionable silence. The sun was beginning to drop, painting the sky a darker orange color. Ryeowook wasn’t even sure why he was giggling and smiling, it felt like it was the right thing to do.

Hyungsik stepped behind his lover, catching the older male’s other hand, entwining their fingers there too. Dropping his head to Ryeowook’s shoulder, he pressed a smile against the smooth skin of his neck. They ambled along at a slower pace, keeping their steps in synch to avoid tripping. “Please stop worrying so much,” he murmured, eyelids lowering, skin glowing under the late afternoon rays, “you can’t keep dropping pounds like this.”

“Isn’t it better that I’m like this?” he blurted without thinking. Ryeowook knew he would get grief for those words later, but it was so hard to keep inside. Closing his eyes, he leaned back against the younger boy, tightening his grip on their connected hands. “…I don’t mean…well, I just mean that I’m finally reaching a normal weight. That’s healthier—”

“Losing thirty pounds in one year isn’t normal,” Hyungsik cut off, bringing their threaded hands to the center of Ryeowook’s abdomen. They stopped walking in the middle of a neighborhood street, warm colors washing over the cement ground. “I’m happy that you aren’t hurting yourself anymore. I thank god every day that you aren’t in pain. But I need you to keep yourself healthy. If you want to lose weight, then lose weight. Don’t do it because you’re staying up worrying about me, or studying because you want to save me, or even because you just forget to eat since you’re so exhausted.”

Ryeowook didn’t say anything at first, biting his bottom lip in consternation. As he was thinking though, a jingling by his ear snapped him out of it.

“But I’ll lecture you more about those things tomorrow,” Hyungsik mumbled, that smile brushing against the shorter one’s throat again. He produced a silver chain from his pocket, coming back around to carefully put it around his lover’s wrist. “Happy fourth anniversary, gorgeous,” he whispered, “I can’t believe it’s only been four years.”

Ryeowook looked down at the bracelet, lips parted in speechless awe. Composing himself as much as possible, he swallowed the lump in his throat and touched the band, turning it around to read the inscription on the inside of the flat, sleek memorial plate. “But...how did you afford this? You’re only sixteen,” he laughed a little, trying to suppress the tears.

“That hardly matters, I think,” Hyungsik responded, eyes trailing over the engraving he had asked for.

 

_Do You See What I See?_

Their reflections showed through the glassy material – something that didn’t appear on the sleek silver outer layer. Ryeowook gazed back at his partial features through the reflective surface, catching sight of Hyungsik hovering behind him. There was a golden glow on his face, bringing out the natural youth and life from the younger male.

“I see who you are on the inside,” Ryeowook said softly, running the tip of his finger across the mirrored Hyungsik, “…the one that isn’t so sick…”

“And I see who you are on the inside as well,” the latter responded, hugging him affectionately, “…the one that’s an absolute angel.”

Slowly loosening the embrace, Ryeowook reached into his backpack, withdrawing a video camera. He turned it on and held it up to Hyungsik, filming him. “Happy fourth anniversary,” Ryeowook said, smiling behind the camera, “I want to make these memories before it’s too late. The best idea I could think of was to tape everything. So…,” he reached his arm out, catching footage of the silver bracelet. Ryeowook fumbled to flip the silver plate around to show the camera that engraving: _Do You See What I See?_ “This is what my Hyungsik got me. And yes…,” he looked up to his lover who was standing quietly, watching with tender eyes, “I do see what you see.”

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

The nurse walked into the waiting room, pulling aside Ryeowook and Mrs. Park. There was a doctor beside her who seemed to be smiling in the faintest way. Thunder rolled in the distance as lightning streaked across the windows. The soft pitter patter of rain filled the echoing silence.

“We’ve stabilized him,” the doctor explained, “however, his body is deteriorating at an accelerated rate. It seems like the older he gets, the faster the disease spreads. Your son is a strong one though. He’s fought for five years now, and the disease is only beginning to catch up with him.”

Mrs. Park’s eyes were dry, too many tears having been shed in the past half a decade. There was nothing left to give. “…Do you know how long?”

“He has eight months at most…the last month will almost definitely be spent in the hospital,” the man bowed his head, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Park.” He turned to Ryeowook then, shaking his head gently. “Sincerely…I’m so sorry.”

 

The door clicked open softly. Hyungsik looked up from the bed, a smile spreading across his face when their eyes locked. “Ryeowook…,” he murmured. Holding up a finger, he silently told the boy to stop walking. The next second, Hyungsik was pulling out their video camera. Turning it on, he lifted it to his face, filming his boyfriend. “Smile for me, gorgeous. I’m still alive, so tell me what you’re feeling right now.”

Ryeowook didn’t even have a second to process it as his face crumpled and he closed the distance between them. Pushing the camera aside, he clutched onto the boy, crying into his hospital gown. “I don’t want you to die!” he choked, body trembling. “Please don’t die…don’t leave me alone…I won’t know what to do when you’re gone…do you understand…?” Ryeowook melted into the body and arms around him, eyes squeezed shut.

“Ssh…we still have time,” Hyungsik whispered gently, burying his fear. Closing his eyes, he pressed his lips to the older boy’s hair, lingering there. “Don’t think about the future…not yet. Right now it’s just us and until the future comes, it will be just us.”

“T-The second y-you’re out of h-here…,” he swallowed hard, trying to slow the tears spilling down his cheeks, “move in with me. I don’t w-want to spend any more time apart…”

Hyungsik smiled softly. “Yeah…we can wake up next to each other,” he carefully pried one of Ryeowook’s hands off of his gown, kissing the cold, slender fingers, “and we can go grocery shopping together…cooking together…leaving for school together…”

“Will you be alright in high school alone?” he finally lifted his head, gazing at his lover who was brushing gossamer kisses down the inside of his wrist. Ryeowook giggled in the quietest voice, “…I’m not going to be around you…”

“The teachers know what’s up,” he assured, drifting towards the smaller boy’s lips, pausing and smiling before brushing their lips together, “I won’t let anything ruin these final months.”

Ryeowook slowly nodded, eyes dropping to the video camera. Taking a shaky breath, he picked it up and settled onto the bed beside Hyungsik. The latter’s arm went around his shoulders, holding him close on the narrow hospital bed. Clearing his throat, Ryeowook turned on the device and looked into the lens. “Today we decided to move in together. Just the two of us, a broke college freshman, and a…,” he licked his lips, and then looked into the camera, “…and a high school senior with the heart and soul of an elementary kid.”

“Hey!” Hyungsik complained, laughing and poking his boyfriend. “That’s no way to be talking about the person you love.”

“I think that’s the perfect way to talk about the person I love,” he teased, giggling and trying to get away when the younger male started pulling on his cheek and nudging him out of the bed. “I love you more than anyone, Hyungsik,” Ryeowook grinned, eyes liquid chocolate, “and we’re going to make the next eight months the best you’ve ever had.”

 

***

 

He could smile in front of him.

He could laugh when they were together.

He could pretend everything was okay.

But when Hyungsik wasn’t around, things were different.

No one was asking him to pull it together.

There was no one to collect him and tell him that it was alright.

Without Hyungsik, the world didn’t glow. The birds weren’t sweet. The sun wasn’t shining. The grass didn’t smell fresh. The sky wasn’t blue. The breeze was nostalgic. The swing set wasn’t magical. The early mornings weren’t a new start. The games were meaningless. The jokes were lost. The memories were stale.

 

“The rain hasn’t stopped.”

Ryeowook lifted his head to the sky, cement roofing covering him for the time being. There were grey clouds sending painful pellets down, the pills attempting to wash away what couldn’t be cleansed. He smiled without feeling, stepping out from the shelter.

Immediately, he felt the late spring showers drench him, attacking his body like it was some demonic presence. He didn’t know how far he had walked, but by the time his mind refocused, the rain had grown stronger and the streets were near flooded. It would dry up by the next day, but for the time being, Ryeowook just let the water run into his sneakers and up his pant legs, thoroughly wetting his skin.

Settling down on a bench, he dropped his head, hands clasped together in a white knuckle grip. Thunder rolled like a warning to the world, but he ignored it.

Death would keep them together. Life would tear them apart.

The answer was so simple, yet he knew it was wrong. Hyungsik couldn’t do anything about it though, right? If Ryeowook just let himself fall, then there would never be a time limit for them. “Please god…,” he whispered, gritting his teeth, “please god, tell me it’s alright to die. I can’t let him go…I really can’t do it.” He blinked back tears, but even then, he was sure the rain had long since mixed with them.

Ryeowook peered across the street, his peripheral vision having caught sight of something odd. There was someone else out and about without a raincoat or umbrella. His hair was soaked through and black, covering much of his face. In a flash, he watched as the stranger collapsed.

Eyes widening, he stumbled to his feet, tripping and scrambling over to the fallen person. Ryeowook crouched down and pulled the person’s body up, combing their hair away from face. A teenage boy gazed back at him with clear, but lacking eyes. “Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?” he prompted urgently, already pulling his phone out to dial the hospital.

“You want to die too, don’t you?” the boy asked, voice deeper than expected. He touched Ryeowook’s cheek, cold hand trailing down his face. “That’s why you’re out here like me…,” a smile curved his lips, “isn’t that right?”

“I want to keep living after death,” Ryeowook stated, surprised at his own words. “…I don’t want to die. I don’t want it to end. I just want it to continue no matter what.”

The younger male shrugged slightly. “I do want it to end. I want to watch the world fade.”

“But why?” Ryeowook was dialing the phone already, bringing the phone to his ear and telling them to send an ambulance. The person didn’t stop him, didn’t even glare or smile at him. And then Ryeowook could see what he had noticed earlier. There was something lacking in this person. He felt incomplete… “Who is important in your life?” Ryeowook asked, raising his voice to fight back the noisy thunder.

“No one,” he laughed quietly, lips turning blue from walking around in the rain for so long.

“Well then you have to go find someone,” he shouted, trying to hear over the angry skies. Ryeowook shook his head, holding the boy closer to his body, trying to keep him warm until the paramedics arrived. “Go out there and find someone who you would follow to death. That’s the only reason you should ever want to die. Do you understand me?” He kept his arms as tight as he could around the shivering figure, bracing his neck against shoulder.

The boy’s mind was growing foggy, but he had heard it. For some reason, they reverberated in his head, engraving and solidifying like a memory. Leaning into the touch, he closed his eyes, wondering when the last time he had ever felt warm was…

 

The ambulance arrived some minutes later and quickly took the boy into the vehicle, asking Ryeowook a number of questions as they went through procedures. “Do you know this person?” the official prompted.

“No, I don’t,” he stated, going on to explain what had happened.

“I see,” the man nodded firmly, “we’ll find out who he is. Thank you and we’ll tell you about his condition once we know.”

He hesitated, wanting to tell the man that it didn’t matter to him if he knew what happened. Getting those phone calls had become too stressful and at that point, Ryeowook didn’t think there was such a thing as a “good” hospital report. “…ah,” he finally sighed, “yes, thank you. We’ll be in touch.”

“Do you need a ride home, son?”

Ryeowook smiled and shook his head. “I live down the street. It’s okay.” He bowed his head and turned, running through the rain back home.

Climbing into the ambulance, the man saw that their emergency patient had regained near full consciousness. They spoke about his vitals rapidly, not expecting it when the kid’s voice rang through the clattering vehicle.

“My name is Cho Kyuhyun…who was that person?”

“Is your father Mr. Cho?” the paramedic blinked a few times, seemingly shocked. “What are you doing in this small town and why were you in the rain?”

He smiled, “…I was looking for someone. Now tell me who that boy was.”

The man checked his file, “His name is Kim Ryeowook. He’s a college freshman, eighteen years old. Could you tell me who you were looking for?”

“I was looking for someone important in my life,” Kyuhyun murmured, body relaxing slightly as the ride continued. _Kim Ryeowook…right?_

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

“You’re here again?” the doctor smiled at Ryeowook and then nodded at Hyungsik to follow him into the examination room.

“I just can’t get rid of him,” Hyungsik muttered, amused. His hand brushed against the older boy’s fingers, a smile ghosting across his features.

The trio entered the private room and the doctor shut the door behind them. He leafed through the boy’s file, humming softly as he reminded himself of their visit from last week. “It’s just amazing that you two are so close. I’ve seen many friendships – even brothers – give up after the first few years.”

Ryeowook sat down in one of the chairs, looking over at the doctor as Hyungsik began removing his school uniform for his check-up. “You’re from the United States, aren’t you?” he prompted the professional.

“Yes, I am,” he chuckled, “why are you asking all of a sudden?”

“Because,” Ryeowook dropped his eyes to the silver bracelet around his wrist, “I hear that Americans are more…accepting of relationships.” He locked gazes with the doctor, anxiously waiting for him to say something.

“…well, it’s none of my business how my patients live their lives,” the man responded, smiling slightly, “Though I would like to commend you. Most married couples aren’t able to last five years strong.”

The doctor then proceeded to put his stethoscope on and start the examination. Ryeowook watched quietly as the routine check-up went off without a hitch. There was no way to extend the time left. All they could do was make sure that Hyungsik still had a strong enough body to finish everything he wanted to do.

 

It took roughly ten minutes, but after that, the pair was walking out of the office and down the street. Sunlight was losing power as evening set in. Ryeowook took out the video camera, turning it on and filming left to right, capturing all of the fading light. “Dear us,” he smiled, “this is my favorite time of day.”

“And why is that?” Hyungsik mused, knowing very well why.

Ryeowook turned the camera towards him, saying, “Because this is our time of day. If there are such things as ‘our song’ and ‘our movie’ then there can be an ‘our time of day’, right?”

“I don’t know if it works like that,” he chuckled, wrapping his arms around the shorter male’s waist, looking up when Ryeowook angled the camera down to film them. “But if you think this is our time of day. Then that’s alright with me. Sunset is ours forever.”

Abruptly, the older boy turned the camera off and spun around in Hyungsik’s arms, eyes shining with excitement. “Where should we go this summer?”

There was no confusion or hesitation in the soon to be high school senior. He nodded towards their apartment building in the slight distance. They had found one close to the doctor’s office, of course. “I want to spend it there.”

“You don’t want to go anywhere?” Ryeowook blinked, brow furrowing.

“I want to play house with you.” Hyungsik took his lover’s hand, pulling him down the street at a calm, but surprisingly hastened pace. They were in front of their future apartment in minutes, staring up at the slightly older structure. “Do you see it?” he asked a little breathlessly. “I’m never going to get to marry you. So for this summer,” Hyungsik’s cheeks grew pink, lips pursing for a moment, “…can we pretend?”

Ryeowook pressed their lips together, wrapping his arms around the taller boy’s neck. The latter hugged him tight, lifting his miniscule weight up and spinning him around. Giggles burst into the early evening as they looked at one another, the final orange and red rays disappearing below the horizon. “Are you asking me to be your make-believe-husband?” Ryeowook teased.

“I would never ask anyone else,” he returned, setting the slender figure back down on the ground.

“Should we head back home for now?” the older male murmured, running his fingers down Hyungsik’s cheek. Ryeowook leaned up, resting his forehead against his lover’s.

“Aren’t we home already?” he asked playfully, taking the camera and filming the small apartment complex. “Park Hyungsik and Kim Ryeowook’s very first home! It’s sort of dark, but you can still see it right?”

“Who are you talking to?” Ryeowook chuckled.

“I’m talking to the future you,” he smiled, “I don’t want you to ever forget.”

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

“Day 1: Moving In,” Ryeowook announced into the video camera. He turned the device away from him to slowly film the interior of their apartment. Some boxes were littered around the floor and the windows were wide open to get fresh air circulating through the living room. “It’s June 20th today and we’re finally out on our own. Hyungsik is getting the last box from the car and then I think we’re going to—”

Two arms swooped down, catching him around his middle. Ryeowook cried out, laughing and shaking the video camera in his attempts to get back on his feet. “And then we’re going to leave these boxes here like immature teenagers and go grocery shopping so we have food to eat tonight,” Hyungsik finished the sentence, correcting whatever his boyfriend had planned on saying.

Ryeowook turned his head, lowering the recorder so he could kiss the taller boy. “I love food,” he beamed.

“Good, I love it too,” Hyungsik lowered his gaze to look at the high school graduate, “so what are you going to cook me tonight?”

 

***

 

“Day 12: We’re finally unpacked,” the seventeen–year old stated, looking rather proud of himself. He pressed a finger to his lips and nodded towards their closed bedroom door. “It’s still early, and Ryeowookie is asleep…so let’s be quiet and surprise him.”

Hyungsik silently stepped inside the room, directing the camera towards the lump of tangled blankets. “Isn’t he adorable?” he whispered, winking at chuckling quietly. Pressing his hand into the mattress, he began creeping onto the bed. The device fumbled and crashed into the sheets, which was quickly followed by grumbling and laughter.

“You’re so cute,” he mumbled, caressing the sleepy boy’s face. Hyungsik kissed him sweetly, nibbling softly on Ryeowook’s bottom lip. “Wake up so we can go out on a date.”

“No…,” the older male grouched, drowsy eyes shining with amusement, “…I don’t wanna go on a date…”

“What? You don’t want to go somewhere with me?” Hyungsik grinned teasingly.

“Not at all,” he muttered, giggling as he felt light kisses spread across his cheeks and neck.

“What a cold husband I have…”

Ryeowook weaved his fingers through Hyungsik’s hair, pulling his face back up. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, gorgeous,” he whispered gently, nuzzling into the slender digits gliding through his locks.

 

***

 

“Day 17: There was a neighborhood festival tonight.” Ryeowook was sitting cross legged on their bed, a towel around his neck. His hair was wet and there was a fresh flush from showering that brought color to his cheeks. Pushing some of those locks out of his face, Ryeowook smiled at the recorder, saying, “Hyungsik and I were playing with the kids, but then he accidentally set one of the trashcans on fire and so we all had to run away,” laughter tickled his throat as he finished explaining what happened.

The front door clicked open and Ryeowook looked over at it. Beaming, he turned the recorder off and shuffled into the living room, leaping forward and tackling the figure who was standing in the doorway. Their light has recently gone out and so the entire area was mainly black.

Ryeowook yelped when Hyungsik toppled over, halfway past the threshold. The neighbor’s front door light shined down on a scruffy faced man groaning in pain. A glass shattering scream pierced the night air and Ryeowook grabbed the nearest thing he could find – a potted plant, mind you – and lifted it over his head, ready to smash it into the homeless man’s face.

“Stop!” Hyungsik shouted, running over to his ‘husband’ and grabbing the plant away from him. “Oh god, Ryeowook, you can’t hit someone with this!” His eyes were wide and hysterical, flitting between the cowering man and his crying lover.

Wailing out rightly, Ryeowook wrapped his arms around the taller boy’s neck, clambering off the scared adult. “H-He…a-and…d-door…dark…!” he sniffled, burying his face in Hyungsik’s shoulder.

The latter patted the older one’s back, hugging him gently. Nonetheless, he aimed a kick at the wide eyed hobo who quickly grunted and scurried away. “Why didn’t you lock the door?” Hyungsik asked, kissing Ryeowook’s hair. “You know I have a key. I don’t need you to do something so dangerous.”

“I t-thought I did lock the d-door…,” he mumbled, beginning to calm down just a bit. Ryeowook tightened his hold on the tall male, lifting his head up. “…k-kiss me…?”

A blush streaked across his features. Nodding hesitantly, Hyungsik tilted his head slowly, eyes closing bit by bit. Very softly, their lips brushed and then brushed again, and then they were pressed flush against each other.

Ryeowook whimpered quietly into the kiss, parting his lips for his husband. Fingers tangled in hair and hands gripping clothes, they let their surroundings fade.

 

***

 

“Day 31: It probably won’t matter by the time you watch this, but I want to tell you no matter what.” Hyungsik cleared his throat, eyes serious. There was a glass balcony door behind him, showing into their living room. Fading sunlight dyed the video orange. “This fight…our first real fight…I want to tell you how much I regret it. They say couples who fight get closer, but for us, aren’t we already as close as possible? At this point, I don’t want to ever see you in pain. I never want to be the reason for you feeling…anything but happiness.” He took a deep breath and shut off the camera.

 

***

 

“Day 52: Hi…,” Ryeowook dragged the word out, giggling when he felt soft lips kissing his bare shoulder. Their pale green bed sheets and blankets were covering both of them only up to the waist. Both were bare-chested and smiling sleepily. “Good morning.”

“Morning, gorgeous,” Hyungsik returned, eyes glowing with tenderness. He wrapped his arm around the boy’s waist, pulling him closer. “Are you commemorating this day too?” he teased.

“It’s important isn’t it?” Ryeowook argued, blushing. He looked into the camera and shrugged sheepishly. “Day 52 is a very important day.”

“Turn it off, you dork,” the younger male laughed, pushing the recorder away and rolling them around until he was hovering above his husband. “That’s better.”

The elder grinned, leaning up…

 

***

 

“Day: 68: Nothing actually happened today,” Hyungsik began, holding the camera upwards so the lens was looking down on him. Beside his head was Ryeowook. The cream colored living room floor showed in the negative space. “We sat around and made smoothies, right?”

“Yeah, and then you spilled my smoothie,” Ryeowook grumbled, unable to help his smile.

The younger male rolled his eyes, leaning over to tickle his lover. Giggles burst from the slender boy and he tried to get away. Hyungsik chuckled, turning his attention back to the device. “To be fair, you took my smoothie after I spilled yours.”

“That’s hardly the point,” he argued, lips spreading in a grin before he rolled out of view, laughing and trying to escape from anymore tickling.

“Yah! This is the reason why we’re not really married!” Hyungsik exclaimed, suppressing his humor. The video camera shook and fumbled before cutting off.

 

The light clicked back on and Ryeowook’s face appeared. He was sitting alone at the kitchen table, a mug of tea in front of him. “In another life, in another year, universe, or world…anything but where we are now…I would marry you in a heartbeat.”

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

 

Ryeowook finished washing the dishes and looked outside, smiling when he saw the orange rays of the setting sun. It really was calming no matter what mood he was in or what sort of day it had been.

“Are you done?” Hyungsik popped his head into the kitchen, hair slightly mussed from the shower he had taken after dinner.

“Yes,” he answered, walking over with a worried expression. Ryeowook gently ran his fingers through the wet locks, eyes searching his husband’s face. “Did you feel alright showering? The doctor said there was a sudden jump in the weakening of your immune system—”

Hyungsik pulled the older male’s hands away from his head, an exasperated smile on his lips. “—please don’t act like my mother. We’re married.”

“Technically, we aren’t,” Ryeowook teased, stifling his wishes to continue fussing over the boy.

“Hmm,” the latter’s mouth quirked up. Hyungsik conceded silently though and took his lover’s hand. “Hey, let’s go for a walk.”

“Are you sure…,” he stopped himself, sighing under his breath. Squeezing the taller one’s hand, Ryeowook trailed after him, slipping on sandals on the way out the door. Only after they had gotten down the steps of the building did he realize that he forgot something. “Wait, wait we have to go back!”

“What’s wrong?” Hyungsik chuckled.

“I forgot our video camera.” He tried to get out of his lover’s grip, but Hyungsik refused to let go.

Arms wrapped around Ryeowook’s waist, pulling him flush against the handsome younger one’s body. “For today, is it okay if we don’t have the film? I have something I want to talk about.” Hyungsik pressed a fleeting kiss on the boy’s lips, eyes lowered and close to Ryeowook’s.

Slowly, the latter nodded his head and leaned up to kiss him sweetly. “If that’s what you want,” he smiled.

“Great,” the boy murmured. Reluctantly, he separated from Ryeowook and reclaimed his hand as they walked further down the street. Their sunset was still radiant and far in the horizon, looking absolutely magnificent from that point.

“Am I allowed to ask where we’re going?” Ryeowook prompted, looking up Hyungsik with amusement.

“If I knew, I would definitely tell you,” he responded lightly.

“Then are we just going around the neighborhood?” the soon-to-be college student cocked an eyebrow. He swung their linked hands, watching the long shadows play freely across the stone surfaces and cement. “I don’t mind that.”

Hyungsik’s eyes were warm with enough affection to make Ryeowook’s heart skip a beat. “You really are perfect for me, aren’t you?”

“What are you talking about?” he laughed, face flushed.

“What I mean is that neither of us has ever cared about the location…or at least, it’s never been the most important part of what we are together.” Hyungsik stopped as they neared the end of the street. At that point, there was a great sloping hill that brought out the suburb’s beauty, but also it brought about the best view of the setting sun.

Ryeowook was still confused. Pursing his lips, he tried to enjoy the scenery, but his mind was occupied with Hyungsik. What did he mean? No matter how he explained it, it didn’t make sense. “I think we do care about location. Even if it isn’t a beautiful, otherworldly place…we still have our little apartment. It’s our place, isn’t it?” Ryeowook turned to his husband, smiling. “But what were you thinking? What’s the most important part of our relationship?”

Hyungsik chuckled, gazing down at the now skinny young man. “The place, the time, the day, none of it matters. For us, the most important thing is memories. That’s all we’ll have, isn’t it?” His eyes trailed over to the side as if he were trying to figure out a good way to frame his next words. “…because in a few months I’m not going to be around anymore and all we have are these days to have as much fun as possible…and we have even less time to make things permanent.”

“Permanent?” he repeated, touching Hyungsik’s cheek and turning his face so their eyes could meet.

“Yeah, permanent,” the younger boy grinned.

“Elaborate, silly,” Ryeowook rolled his eyes, giggling a bit.

Hyungsik took a deep breath, smiling widely as he spoke in a casual voice, “You don’t know this, but I was going to give you the greatest proposal of your life. I wanted balloons, animals, confetti and everything in between, but things came up and I couldn’t do it that way.” He reached into his pocket, withdrawing a simple ring. There were no jewels on it, nor was there even an engraving. The band was silver and clean and absolutely perfect in his eyes. “I know it’s not a lot or anything even close to significant, but—”

“—yes, yes, yes, yes – of course yes!” Ryeowook cried out, throwing his arms around Hyungsik’s neck, bursting into tears as he clung to the boy who made up his entire world.

They spun around, laughing and for one of them, crying. Hyungsik sighed a tad exasperatedly, but there was obvious adoration in his expression. “You cry over everything. How am I supposed to know when you’re really upset?” he teased.

“I would marry you anywhere,” he sobbed, struggling between wailing and laughing, “anytime, any day…always, always…no matter how many times you ask…,” Ryeowook buried his face in Hyungsik’s neck, body pressed tightly against the taller boy.

“Then get married to me now.”

“What?” Ryeowook pulled back, eyes widening.

Hyungsik wiped away some of his fiancé’s tears, kissing his cheek gently. “In a few days, I have to go to America for treatment. When we’re there, no one will know us, our parents can’t say anything, and we can have a legal ceremony.”

“You’ve really been thinking about this?” he whispered, heart racing frantically at the idea of being truly married.

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly, “…I don’t want to die knowing I never married the person I love.”

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

_Please fasten your seatbelts…_

 

Hyungsik and Ryeowook peered out the window, both of them uneasy. It wasn’t that plane rides were all that terrible. Instead, they had never really liked the idea of travelling for hours on end in the air. Ryeowook had motion sickness and Hyungsik had claustrophobia. The only upside was that they were riding in the front two seats with the most stretching room.

A stewardess walked by carrying blankets and pillows, offering it to them. Ryeowook took it quickly and started arranging it over the two of them. “It’s always so cold on here,” he muttered, yawning and curling up against his fiancé.

“We could always just turn off the fans,” Hyungsik remarked, brushing a kiss across Ryeowook’s hair.

“But then people start to smell bad without air circulation,” he mumbled, looking up at the handsome boy.

“What?” the younger of the two chuckled. He glanced out the window again, wondering what time of day it would be once they got to New York. There was supposed to be a specialist just outside of the city. The more important stop was after that appointment though.

Hyungsik rummaged around in his bag, pulling out a notebook. “Here, we should probably write our vows now.”

Ryeowook sat up, looking down at the blank sheet of loose leaf handing to him. “…are we really writing these when we’re together? Shouldn’t we be doing this separately?”

“Why?” his lover’s eyes were twinkling with amusement, “You don’t want me to see what you say? You’re going to be telling me anyway, aren’t you?” Hyungsik placed a pen in the older male’s hand. “Just write. I promise I won’t look.”

“You promise?” Ryeowook asked hesitantly.

“Yes, yes, I promise,” Hyungsik assured, “now concentrate. We only have one day to make these perfect, you know.”

“You’re being so dramatic,” he muttered, smiling when he saw annoyance flash in his lover’s eyes. It was pretty endearing to be honest. Ryeowook couldn’t imagine anyone else who would be so sweet and sincere about something like marriage vows.

 

***

 

Not even halfway into the flight, Ryeowook was fast asleep. He snored softly, head resting on Hyungsik’s shoulder. The blankets were pulled up high around his neck, covering his smaller body.

Out the window, it was still quite dark with nothing but clouds to blur the vision. A portion of the white wing could be seen if he leaned far enough over and pressed his face to the window, but that seemed a little extreme. Besides, Hyungsik was completely absorbed in writing something or other.

However, it didn’t appear to be the vows anymore. This one was at least two and a half pages already. Hyungsik stared at his scribbled handwriting and sighed. “No…no, no, no,” he muttered, turning the notebook to a fresh page.

He first took a deep breath and pressed his pen to the paper, beginning again.

 

_Dear Ryeowook,_

_We’ve had so many—_

Not even bothering to halt, he just flipped the page and tried again.

 

_Dear My Husband…_

 

Scribble.

 

_To the Love of My Short Life—_

Scribble. “Depressing much,” Hyungsik mumbled, shaking off the coldness.

Starting on a new page one more time, he pulled up his torn out vows sheet and reread it, wondering what had sparked his feelings while writing such an intimate statement.

Hyungsik’s expression softened, the appearance of frustration melting away bit by bit. Folding the paper back up, he tucked it safely away and pushed the tip of his pen down on the blank paper.

Before he began writing, his eyes shifted to Ryeowook who was slumbering so peacefully. Kissing the boy’s head, Hyungsik turned back to his note, feeling his body thrumming with energy. He really couldn’t think of anything better to say and the only thing running through his mind was a short phrase.

 

_My Gorgeous Ryeowook,_

_Do You See What I See?_

_Forever Your Husband,_

_Hyungsik_

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

 

“Are you sure this is really a good idea?” Ryeowook asked uneasily as they stood outside of the chapel. They were hand in hand, nervously stuck in place.

Hyungsik nodded stiffly. “I mean…not to sound like a downer, but I’m going to die. I’m not going to die with any regrets.”

“Then why aren’t we inside the chapel yet?”

“…I think I’m scared.”

Ryeowook laughed involuntarily, earning a glare from his fiancé. “I’m sorry,” he apologized after a few moments, “you’re too cute, Hyungsik-ah. You talk about death so easily, and you’ve been talking about marriage so easily. Why are you only now getting cold feet?”

“I’m not positive either. Maybe it’s because I want to remember this moment as clearly as possible?” Hyungsik pulled the video camera out of his bag, turning it on and beginning to film them with the chapel. “We’re going to commemorate this moment, right?”

“I guess so,” Ryeowook mused, “since you already have the recorder out.”

“Oh hush,” the younger boy pouted. The upset face quickly dissolved as he looked into the camera. “Today we’re getting married. Our parents don’t really know, and my doctor doesn’t know either. Then again, it’s none of their business who I marry, right?”

“I think you have that wrong,” Ryeowook smiled.

Hyungsik ignored the heckling and squeezed his lover’s hand tightly. “…I found out this morning that my time was cut. They said I probably won’t make it to Christmas.”

All jokes had long since dispersed at that point. Ryeowook wasn’t making eye contact with the camera and his fingers hand begun shaking. Why did the doctor have to say those things? It wasn’t good for anyone was it? They already knew Hyungsik was going to die. Why did they have to count down to that moment?

“Don’t look away, gorgeous,” Hyungsik murmured, holding Ryeowook’s face and turning him to face the camera. “These are our memories. This is what makes us what we are. If you look away, then I won’t know what to do anymore.”

He nodded just once, gulping down the lump in his throat. “I…,” Ryeowook smiled at the recorder, stifling all other thoughts except for what was going to happen in just a few minutes, “am getting married to the only person I have ever loved. Even if it doesn’t last long,” he glanced at Hyungsik, speaking to him then, “you’re the only one I’ll ever love.”

“I see…,” the boy whispered, eyes glowing with feelings.

 

Vows are spoken and sometimes recited, and yet there is one recurring theme in all of them: eternal love. Ryeowook never understood how people could stand before a great audience or even just one priest and spout rubbish. They spoke of undying love, yet it found an end in divorce or bitter disdain. That was why as he wrote his own vows, the most important things in his mind was the truth and the clarity.

Ryeowook unfolded the crinkled sheet of paper, gazing down at it as he read what he had written to Hyungsik. In his peripheral vision, he could see his soon to be husband’s anxious eyes on him.

 

And so, he began:

 

_Our love is not undying._

_The day you pass on is the day I lose that love we share._

_How can you possibly share something with a person who’s gone?_

_I won’t pretend that we’re going to be together forever._

_I know that in my heart we’re going to be forever bonded,_

_But that’s a completely different thing from being physically together until the end._

_You’re going to a place where angels sing,_

_Food is always plentiful,_

_And there is never a less than glorious day._

_I want to be there with you._

_I want to be with you no matter where we are._

_You’re the sun, sky, and magic from my childhood._

_You’re the little boy with the swing set._

_You’re the one who saved me from sorrow._

_Without you, I don’t think I would’ve ever seen the good things in me._

_Thank you for being the first person to ever accept me for me._

_You loved me at my lowest and highest points._

_For that, I can be eternally grateful,_

Hyungsik reached out, wanting to speak to Ryeowook, but then the priest stopped him and asked him to recite his vows. Obliging a tad sheepishly, Hyungsik pulled out his paper and lifted his eyes to Ryeowook for a fleeting second.

Clearing his throat, he spoke:

 

_I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember._

_That sounds shallow and probably silly_

_But it’s the truth._

_I can’t name the exact moment I fell,_

_However I know that no matter what,_

_You’re the one I was destined to be with._

_Maybe the heavens thought our love was too perfect,_

_So they’re sending me back sooner than expected._

_That’s the only reason I can think of._

_Because you see,_

_How could two people be more perfect for each other?_

_I ask myself this every morning that I wake up next to you…_

_Just what makes us…us?_

_Why have we lasted this long?_

_I won’t label us anymore though._

_I don’t want to ruin the magic._

_I love you, gorgeous._

 

“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

 

_Dear Journal,_

_This will be my first and last entry because I hardly need my innermost thoughts floating around in printed form. Really now, why would I ever want someone potentially reading up on my private feelings?_

_Well, I guess I better start._

_I spent a lot of my childhood waiting for someone to come and save me._

_I hated everything that had to do with my family, work and education…all of it was a waste of time in my eyes. Who was I doing all of it for? What did I want to accomplish? They were all charting out a future for me and yet all I wanted was to sing._

_They humored me for so long, but it wasn’t enough. I’m already going to be entering college. There’s no time left for me to change my career path._

_I’m going to become just like my father._

_I’m going to take the family business._

_I’m going to be rich._

_I’m going to live with a woman I loathe._

_I’m going to die with no heart._

_I’m going to have no memories._

_I have no happiness._

_I have no friends._

_I have no one to watch me fall._

_I have no one to save me._

_That’s the bottom line, isn’t it?_

_If there was someone out there who was actually close enough to me to save me…I could be happy._

_Only one person ever showed me that kind of concern and he was a stranger and to be honest, I don’t really remember him. The paramedics told me his name, but even now, I’m not sure if it started with an “R” or an “L”. Isn’t it sort of sad how the most significant person I’ve ever met…I can’t even recall?_

_Does that say something about my character? I think it does._

_From that day, I can only clearly see two things in my mind._

_First, the rain was pouring. I felt like I could drown in the storm and I probably would have had it not been for that stranger. Then again, maybe if I knew he wouldn’t be around when I woke up, it would’ve been better to just die out there._

_That’s what I wanted. The whole fucking world could just cry and panic over the death of a corrupt man’s son. They wouldn’t really be sad. The would just go online where no one knows their face and say all of the cruel things that are too impossible to voice in person. I’m not judging them, though._

_They’re cowards. They’re human._

_What else can I say?_

_The second thing I can accurately remember is one phrase. I’m pretty sure the stranger told me it and I can further assure you that those are the only words that I have ever hung onto._

_“Go out there and find someone who you would follow to death.”_

_It sounds sort of morbid at first, but then you realize just how beautiful that is. What sort of person was he to be able to believe in such a scary, loyal idea? I know I’ve never come across anyone like that._

_Sad thing is, if I don’t find that person, I’m pretty sure I’ll never find anyone who is worth following to death – someone who’s worth waiting the rest of your life to die for. Sure, I don’t know who he is or what he is – hell, he could be a middle-aged man with a family – but there was something in him that was breathtaking._

_I want to be in love with that person._

_But he’s probably already in love with someone else, right? Why else would he have such an immortal view on love?_

_Bye._

_Cho Kyuhyun_


	18. Chapter 18

 

There were people everywhere. It had been a long time since so many were gathered together. Ryeowook didn’t recognize a lot of them, but figured that they were Hyungsik’s good friends. The teenagers were all sitting together in the living room, laughing and eating, while Ryeowook stood in the kitchen decorating his husband’s birthday cake.

“Why didn’t you just buy a cake?” Hyungsik laughed, coming up behind the shorter male. He kissed him on the shoulder softly.

“I wanted it to be perfect,” Ryeowook responded, smiling and tilting his head back to sneak a kiss on the lips, “and store bought cakes just aren’t that.”

The younger male blinked a few times before turning the young man around and kissing him deeply. Ryeowook’s eyes widened and he frantically tried to pull back, only to ending up slipping and getting further tangled in the tall boy’s embrace. “Hyungsik…,” his voice was muffled, trembling laughter bubbling up inside of him.

“Hey…do you know what I want to do right now?” He pressed Ryeowook back against the counter top, one hand moving to balance on the edge of the surface. His eyes were trained on the small, blushed figure, a strange little light flashing in his dark depths.

“B-But…,” Ryeowook backed up, the tube of decorative icing in his hand.

“I know it’ll be messy, but it’s my birthday, so can’t I do at least this much?” he breathed, leaning in slowly.

The shorter male blushed harder, looking away. Carefully, he squeezed the tube in hand and then turned back to Hyungsik. Simultaneously, Ryeowook shot the icing at his husband’s face and Hyungsik shoved a handful of birthday cake into that cute face.

“Hey!” they exclaimed, laughing at once and pushing at each other.

“So you abandoned our party for your own little party in here?” one of the friends called, coming into the kitchen with the others.

Ryeowook shoved caked into Hyungsik’s face when he was distracted and then quickly ducked to avoid a handful of batter. “I’m sorry!” he managed between giggles. “You guys can always play with us too…if you don’t make too much of a mess…”

“You’re saying that now?” Hyungsik’s mouth twitched as he wiped away the cake crumbs on his face. “Aren’t you a little late?” He looked around the kitchen which was already covered in batter, crumbs, and frosting.

His friends joined in without further ado, grabbing whatever they could find and throwing it around the small area.

Ryeowook fought within himself, but in the end decided to just give it up and enjoy the momentary fun. “Happy Birthday, Hyungsik!” he shouted over the noise, kissing his husband’s frosting covered lips.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” the younger boy rolled his eyes, laughing and plopping a bowl of pudding over Ryeowook’s head. “You must be going crazy right now with all of this mess, huh?” he teased, dodging a slap to the chest.

“Oh hush,” Ryeowook pouted, “Don’t make me think about cleaning up right now.”

“It’ll be just as beautiful as it was before once you’re done,” Hyungsik assured, amused. From behind, one of his friends brought down some of the leftover and uneaten birthday cake. It smashed and tangled in Hyungsik’s hair, causing the boy to stumble and growl. “Yah!” he couldn’t help but laugh some more, lungs burning as he went to tackle his friend.

“The cake tastes delicious, Hyungsik’s husband!” the attacked boy called, trying to fend for his life.

Ryeowook smiled, leaning back on the counter and watching the merriment. “Thank you!”

 

***

 

“I can’t believe you finished cleaning that fast…” Hyungsik muttered, leaning against the wall just outside of the kitchen. His hair was still a bit wet from showering and his pajamas were slightly rumpled from lying on their bed playing with his gifts.

Most of the things he had received were letters or charms. There was nothing tangible that his friends could give him that…would really last. And so they apparently chose to just tell him their feelings before it all crashed and burned.

Ryeowook washed his hands and then dried them off with quick precision. “We need to get back to hospital,” he said softly.

“…ah,” Hyungsik mumbled, coughing quietly. He swallowed the urge to hack up something – he wasn’t sure what – and then smiled at his husband. “You know, I felt pretty good tonight. Maybe we don’t have to go back to the hospital—”

“—you really overexerted yourself today,” Ryeowook interrupted, turning serious eyes to the other male, “we can’t take chances. If you got worse because of our little food fight—”

“—I’M GOING TO DIE, RYEOWOOK,” Hyungsik nearly screamed, running fingers through his hair as he tried to calm down. “…Look, I know that you want me to go to the hospital and maybe they’ll miraculously come up with a cure. But that’s not going to happen. There’s barely a month left and I’d much rather be next to you than in a white room by myself. They can’t do anything for me anymore. Why won’t you accept that?”

He stayed quiet, fingers twitching and fiddling with nothing.

Hyungsik swiftly walked forward, pulling Ryeowook into his arms. Although he was taller, he was deeply aware of how their body frames were becoming more similar. It wasn’t because Ryeowook was getting bigger. Every time he touched his husband, he knew that that was another moment used up. You can’t relive a day and you can’t relive an experience.

Every kiss,

Every hug,

Every touch and breath,

Each one meant something different and Hyungsik had only begun realizing that in the past few months.

It was almost as if with each affectionate caress, came a loss. He could feel his body shrinking into something weak and withering, yet no matter what anyone did, it wouldn’t stop.

“Please just stay with me for a bit longer…I’m sorry for yelling at you just now,” Hyungsik whispered, “but…but I don’t want you to keep praying for me. Just enjoy every second we have left. I’m scared of letting go of you. I’m fucking terrified of dying because you’re not going to be with me anymore. But I’m not going to hope that things change. There’s no future to look forward to, so please…please just stay in the present with me.”

Ryeowook was crying silently by then, his entire body quaking. “I don’t want you to die…,” he pleaded, clinging onto the thin boy with everything he had. “Please don’t die…I don’t want to see you die…,” he buried his face in Hyungsik’s shirt, not able to recall how many times he had been in this situation.

How many times had he pleaded for the boy to keep living? It was such an impossible wish and yet that was all he ever wished for. “You’re everything,” Ryeowook breathed shakily, eyes squeezed shut, “…I don’t have anything else…”

“Ssh…,” Hyungsik mumbled, letting the tears fall without a sound, “…you’re going to be alright. You’re going to find something to occupy your time…you’ll make friends…and if you ever miss me…just watch our videos because you know what?” He smiled, dropping his head as he pulled Ryeowook tighter to himself, “…we aren’t a tragedy. We’re a happy ending.”

“W-What?” he mumbled, confused and frustrated and so many other things.

His husband stroked his hair gently, pressing soft kisses to the top of his head. “We grew up together and we fell in love and we faced trials and we moved in together and we travelled to America…and then we got married, and now we’re at the end of the timeline,” Hyungsik felt himself beginning to shake, but he ignored it, “See? We have our happy ending.”

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

 

Ryeowook smiled at the grave on the hill. The sun was setting in the distance and he watched it go down with lazy grace. “Hey, Hyungsik,” he murmured, stretching his legs out on the soft grass, “I got a job today, but it’s in the city. I’m moving away.”

The breeze rushed through his clothes, sending delicate chills across his skin. Ryeowook toyed with the bracelet ton his wrist, a habit he had whenever he thought about his late husband.

 

_“Now, I need to warn you. Mr. Cho is a very tedious man. He can be impatient and flippant and very frustrating so please be aware of that before you speak to him,” the secretarial manager explained quickly as they walked down the hallway._

_Ryeowook nodded, “How many secretaries has Mr. Cho gone through?”_

_“Roughly five to six per month depending on whether or not the person is stubborn,” the man stated a tad tiredly, “There’s really no one that can handle his mood swings and antics.”_

_“I’ll do my best then,” Ryeowook said a little nervously._

“That man wasn’t kidding,” he muttered, sighing, “My boss is absolutely crazy sometimes. Just the other day I came back from lunch and saw him using the company’s plasma screen television to display his video game.”

Ryeowook glanced down the hill, seeing the moving van parked outside of his apartment. “…I’ll be leaving tonight. I’m sorry for taking a while to come visit you. I meant to come earlier but there were a lot of boxes to gather.”

 

_The manager looked at the skinny, effeminate boy. “…I won’t lie to you. We only hired you as a temporary case because his last secretary ran out crying. If you can make it even a week, then we’ll buy a luxurious dinner wherever you please.”_

_“That’s very kind of you,” he chuckled, stopping in front of the door marked: Mr. Cho. “Thank you for the opportunity nonetheless.”_

_“Yes, yes of course. Here’s his schedule for the day. Starting tomorrow, you’re going to have to gather this information on your own though.” He handed over the files and then headed off down the corridor._

_Ryeowook knocked on the door and waited patiently for an answer. A minute or so passed before he heard someone’s deep, smooth voice call out: “Come in.”_

_Hesitantly, he turned the handle and pushed into the room. There was a rather spacious secretarial office before another door led into the man’s main office. Ryeowook walked up to the second door and paused there, peering into the space. “Hello?” he greeted softly._

_“Are you the new one?” that lulling voice demanded. It was sort of like a forceful lullaby._

_“Yes, my name is Kim Ryeowook,” he bowed low and then looked back up at Mr. Cho, “It’s a pleasure to be working for you, Mr. Cho.”_

“I’ll work hard just like you said,” Ryeowook remarked, seeing the sun truly beginning to fade then. “I think my neurotic boss will be a good distraction. My days will be completely packed and that means I won’t have to sit around thinking about you. It was hard during the summer breaks off, but you already knew that. With work though, I can be doing stuff all the time and at any season.”

He stood up as the sun disappeared over the horizon line. “I don’t know about making friends yet, but we’ll see.” Ryeowook brushed his fingertips over the cold stone of the grave marker. “…I won’t say anymore because this isn’t goodbye. I would never say goodbye to you. For now though…I guess I should go.”

“I’ll come by to visit,” he promised, “I love you and I’ll see you around.”

_“Come into the office.”_

_Ryeowook quickly obliged, walking up to the man’s desk. Across the wooden surface was a tall, rather handsome young male. His hair was wavy and dark, large dark eyes sparkling with something less than pleased. Waiting quietly, Ryeowook returned the gaze with as much confidence as he could._

_“…How old are you?” he prompted._

_“I’m twenty-one, sir.”_

_“Oh? We’re about the same age. I hope you’re competent, Ryeowook,” he stated simply and then extended his hand. “My name is Cho Kyuhyun. Let’s get along while you’re still around.”_

_“Ah…yes,” Ryeowook smiled._


End file.
